It is a feeling that cannot be easily described or detailed, but that can be understood by any who have felt it before.
It is a feeling that comes and goes by its own schedule, late at night, early in the morning, while writing, while resting.
Sometimes it creeps subtly upon me and for a while it pulls and pulls. Soon it pulls too hard and floods me with sorrow and shame.
Other times it hits hard and overwhelms me instantly. The sorrow and shame is the same as before.
I heard a saying once, I believe it is a Buddhist one. It says to never be afraid of anyone, and cause anybody to be afraid of you.
I pride myself on following this advice. Shamefully I admit that right now, I am afraid.
I am afraid of sleeping at night with this heartbreak
I am afraid of waking up in the morning, because I know that the heartbreak will still be there.
I am afraid of writing these words, because of how foolish they might sound.
I am afraid of the ache in my heart because I know it will continue for a time.
I am afraid of being alone, because another one I have loved has left me.
I am afraid that I might not find another one to love, the way that I loved this one.
Some dark part of me wants to feel anger or hatred towards this one that is gone.
But my heart does not allow me to feel anger or hatred, and my mind does not allow me to lie and say that I do.
Some stupid part of me tells me to drown the feeling, however it can be drowned.
Again, my heart and my mind disallow.
My heart tells me to simply to let myself feel the sorrow and the shame until eventually they pass and all that is left is the remnants of the love I have felt.
My mind tells me to learn from it as I learned from my last heartbreak, and the one before that.
It is a sickness that makes me curl up and weep.
It is a sickness that makes me pause on every word I write, because some of them only remind me of the love who is gone.
It is a sickness that leaves me restless.
I am sick with heartbreak, but there is no easy cure or treatment for this sickness. It is a sickness of the soul, that plagues the body and mind.